Why I Finally Stopped Networking and Started Connecting

(And why I no longer feel guilty for not "working the room.")

I used to think I was terrible at networking.

Not because I never tried. I went to the events. I showed up to the happy hours. I sent the LinkedIn messages people said I "should" send.

But it never felt natural. Small talk drained me. The idea of walking up to a stranger and turning it into an "opportunity" felt like wearing someone else's shoes.

And asking for favors? Even from old colleagues who were always generous when I did reach out. I still walked away wishing I had stayed in touch sooner.

What networking felt like

For me, networking looked like this:

Walk into a room. Look for one familiar face so I did not have to stand there by myself. Make polite conversation. Ask the right questions. Nod along while silently counting down until I could go home and put on sweatpants.

Or sit at my laptop and stare at a message that started with, "Hey, it has been a while…" and feel that knot in my stomach.

"I am looking for a new role and wondered if you knew anyone at…"

We have all sent that message. We have all received it. It never felt good on either side.

I did not want to be the person who only reached out when I needed something. I also did not know how to stay in touch. So for a long time, I did nothing. I avoided the events. I avoided the asks. And then I felt guilty for not reaching out sooner.

The shift

A few years ago, something changed.

I stopped trying to be "good at networking" and started doing something much simpler.

I started staying in touch with people I genuinely like and respect.

That is it.

No agenda. No quiet tally of who owed who. Just real check-ins with people I would want to talk to even if there was nothing in it for either of us.

I would send a message when I read something that made me think of them. When I saw a post that reminded me of an old project we did together. When I had a question and knew they would have a more grounded answer than Google.

What happened

The opportunities did not stop. They multiplied.

They just showed up differently.

Not from handing out business cards at events I did not want to be at. From actual relationships. From people who thought of me when something came up because we had stayed in touch, not because I had asked them to keep me in mind.

Nearly half my clients this year came from referrals. Not from ads. Not from a complicated funnel. From people who knew my work and trusted it enough to send someone they cared about.

That did not come from networking. It came from years of showing up for people and not keeping score.

The difference

Networking asks: What can this person do for me?

Connecting asks: What is actually going on with this person?

Networking is a strategy. Connecting is a practice.

Networking often feels like work. Connecting feels like life.

The permission slip

If networking has always felt awkward for you, maybe that is not a flaw to fix.

Maybe it is a signal that you are not wired for transactions.

Good news: you do not have to be.

You can build a career on relationships instead of contacts. On depth instead of volume. On being someone people want to hear from, not someone who is always working an angle.

It is slower. It is quieter. It is less glamorous than "working the room."

And it works.

One more thing

This is exactly why I built community into the Stand Out Advantage group program.

Not networking. Not forced introductions. A room full of people navigating the same challenges, sharing real intel, and showing up for each other without keeping score.

The frameworks matter. The relationships matter more.

If you want to be part of it, the door is open.